‘Sex o Soccer – the Erotic Football Game’ is a real product that exists, which you can buy with real money, and I don’t know whether that makes me more confused or terrified. The existence of this board game, marketed as an erotic novelty but so unsexy it feels like that was the designer’s goal, is making me question everything I thought I knew about human sexuality, economics, and the possibility of hope in our fallen universe.
Sex and board games aren’t intrinsically at odds. Wargamer hired a professional sexologist to write our guide to the best sex board games, and the games on that list are a mixture that variously encourage communication, experimentation, learning, rediscovery, and of course getting down.
And of course there are couples who bond over a shared love of Soccer – I assume, I’m not a sports fan. Going to a game together, sharing food in the stalls, that could be romantic if you’re both into it. Sex when you get back from the match might be really good, too. I guess your team needs to win, otherwise it would be tinged with melancholy? Anyway.
Of those soccer-sexual couples, there will be a number who have the thought: “You know what would spice up our sex life? A soccer themed trivia board game where failing to answer a question results in a sexy forfeit”. It’s a big world. At least one couple out there really wants that.
But my instinct, as someone who has both spoken to other humans and had sex with some of them, is that the number is not high enough to warrant designing, printing, distributing, and marketing such a board game.
Here’s the marketing description of that core mechanic: “Each card contains a task or a question [about soccer]. If you can’t answer the question, you must do the task”. Be still, my beating heart. How did this get investment capital?
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there are way more soccerphilic couples out there than I’d estimated, and the familiar soccer theme is exactly what they need to get them over the hump (pun intended) of awkwardness around trying out a sex game.
My grim suspicion is that this board game is primarily bought by dim men who think it will entrap soccer-indifferent partners into sex; or by women whose partner is so much more interested in soccer than sex that they’re choosing between this game, divorce, and an ice pick. And yes, those predictions ignore LGBTQ couples: but Sex o Soccer is the most dismally heterosexual object I have ever seen.
I’ve just finished writing this and I’ve only just noticed the tiny plastic football boots with hollow white socks. Who okayed this? How is it on sale in sex shops?
If you do want to find a board game that will improve your love life, obviously check out our guide to the best sex board games – and for games that are great for couples but let you keep your clothes on, check out our guide to the best board games for couples.
Source: Wargamer
