Lots of different things can make your DnD campaigns memorable – epic quests; terrifying Big Bad Evil Guys (BBEGs); iconic character interactions; you name it, you and your pals can create fun from it. For me, though, the memories that really stick are about non player characters: carefully crafted bit players who might have been nobody, but, through the magic of roleplay, become unforgettable. And some of the best? Well, they’re also just the worst. So I’ve cooked up four delightfully aggravating weirdos that’ll give your players some stories to tell!
Anyone who’s read my last two pieces on useless DnD magic items may start to sense a theme here: I enjoy game elements that gently push against the fourth wall in amusing ways, whether it be a quill that writes rude letters, a belt that punishes you for spending gold, or – in this case – NPCs engineered to lead your heroes on a (hopefully entertaining) goose chase.
Like those articles, you’ll find no canny rules or character building advice here – our complete, up to date guides on all the DnD classes and DnD races (among many others) have you covered on that front. No, this is entirely for the lols – offering up four fairly setting-agnostic NPC concepts to slot into your campaign for the express purpose of generating some giggles and stopping your tabletop RPG adventures getting too serious. I usually find that essential – if you agree, read on!
Ignatia P. Penrose, the eager biographer
I imagine Ignatia Penrose as three parts Volo to one part Harry Potter’s Colin Creevey, and she should be played as more insistent, oblivious, naive to danger, and ultimately rage inducing than either of them. Ignatia sees it as her life’s work to chronicle every detail of your players’ quest – whether they want her to or not.
- Follows you around trying to interview every character.
- Gets in the way during fights, trying to speed sketch the scene.
- Insists the book will make a fortune and you’ll all get a cut.
- Keeps losing her notes and begging to re-run past interviews.
- If players give an interview, she excitedly talks aloud as she writes, making it clear she’s recording things wildly inaccurately.
- Eventually does sell the book, gets rich, gives you nothing, and lives in a big expensive house – the party can confront her later.
Zaffini, the hazardous inventor
Loosely inspired by Tarhiel – the ill-fated experimental magician who falls out of the sky to his death right in front of you in the opening hours of The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. A male human in his 70s, Zaffini is designed to entice your players with magical toys that are fun to play with, but which, it quickly transpires, are liable to get both them and him killed in very stupid ways.
- Constantly inventing new gadgets for adventurers – mostly mechanical, some magical, some both.
- Desperately begs you to test them out, promising he’ll pay you for your trouble, including danger pay.
- Never pays you because of one excuse or another.
- At one point, begs you to borrow some money to pay off a criminal gang whose headquarters he accidentally, permanently, reversed the gravity of.
- Eventually blows himself up, but it later turns out his final invention – a mechanical simulacrum of himself – works perfectly and he is now an immortal, annoying tinkerer.
Some examples of Zaffini’s creations could include:
- A more powerful torch that works like a stick-flare and extends your dark vision further – but 60% of the time it ignites out of the wrong end and burns the user for D4 fire damage.
- A motorized set of wings that allows non-flying characters to fly at will – but needs refueling after every five minutes of use, and every use carries a good chance the motor will explode, throwing D20 razor sharp metal feathers in all directions, each doing D4 piercing damage to whatever they hit.
- A goblin-sized automaton servant that’ll fight or do tasks for you, without needing to be fed or paid – but for every day you have it with the party, roll a D12. On a 3-6 it goes berzerk, attacking anything near it until the party can destroy or disable it. On a 1-2 it explodes, hitting every creature within 5 feet for D6 fire damage and poisoning them with a spray of toxic hydraulic fluid.
You know, that sort of thing. Go nuts.
Garber Harradine, the predatory retail entrepreneur
This one’s a bit of a slow burn – harmless at first, then gets progressively more infuriating as your campaign goes on. Garber Harradine is a middle aged female human with a friendly but cunning face, impeccable capitalistic instincts, and a single goal: to take over every store in the game world and jack up the prices.
- Appears early in the campaign as an earnest, if wheeler-dealing street trader with a selection of pretty average goods.
- Pops up again later running her very own shop, with an impressive sign, uninformed shop assistants, and a much better selection – including free sparkling water in the store. Speaking to other local merchants reveals they’re all mad at her for undercutting their prices and stealing their customers.
- As her first and best customers, she offers you a 10% discount on everything – with a nasty glint in her eye.
- Shortly after, Harradine begins buying out other shops and rebranding them as new locations for ‘Garber’s Goods & Trade’.
- Once she has several stores up and running, Garber introduces ‘Garber Club’ – a subscription service required to trade at her stores and drink her sparkling water.
- As her first and best customers, she says your party can have a discount on both the subscription and in store prices – but asking around reveals it’s actually regular price.
- By the end of the campaign, Garber owns almost every store in every settlement, and ‘GGT’ advertisements and marketing agents are everywhere. Side quests themed around taking down her retail empire and shattering her monopoly are strongly encouraged.
Jazbag, the New Age, Self Help troll
I’m going a bit more literal with Jazbag – as they’re actually a troll. A magical accident granted them a massive boost to their Intelligence and Charisma DnD stats that made them a fully sentient character – but reduced their Wisdom stat to 7.
As a result, they’re convinced their miraculous transformation came entirely from clean living, enlightened thinking, and a range of peculiar, alternative medicines that they’re absolutely desperate to sell you on.
- Jazbag wears a gigantic leather waistcoat, a dented brown top hat, odd looking spectacles, and dozens of bangles, charms, and crystals on strings that jingle noisily when they move.
- They speak Common and several other DnD languages of the DM’s choice eloquently – but with a slightly pitying, superior tone.
- They travel from town to town, giving life improvement seminars and private medical check-ups.
- When the party first meets Jazbag, they offer to tag along as an attendant apothecary and medic for no payment, to ‘repay the universe’ for some unknown misdeed.
- With some difficulty, the players can persuade them to admit that Jazbag is attempting to atone for having pulled the legs off a former customer who’d claimed their healing potions don’t work.
- Their healing potions don’t work. A ragtag collection of infusions of random herbs, their effects range from ‘nothing’ to ‘mild diarrhea’.
- For more serious injuries, Jazbag will insist on conducting a ritual with several of the 36 crystals they carry with them at all times. None of them have any arcane power, and neither does she.
I think that’ll do for now – but believe me, there are many more confusing quest-givers, annoying tagalongs, and go-nowhere puzzle people in my ageing noggin waiting to come out, so I can see more of these in the future.
In the meantime, if you want to talk DnD nonsense with me and the Wargamer nerds for free on a regular basis – come along and join the Wargamer Discord community. If you use any of my stupid idiots above, please come and tell us about it. I want to hear your players’ reactions!
Source: Wargamer
