One of my favorite things to do in Dungeons and Dragons is leaving behind the heavyweight story crafting, combat synergies, and character builds, and delighting in silly, fantastical tomfoolery. In particular, my current obsession is inventing magical items which in no way help you charm, befuddle, or eviscerate your enemies – but rather just do something silly, and bring some levity to the tabletop. Here are three more such pointless doodads for your enjoyment!
My last set of joke items – including a rather confusing ring, a quill that writes rude letters, and an arousing musical instrument – seemed to entertain the internet rather well. And, since I’m full of ideas for these moronic DnD magic items, I thought I’d cook up another little selection.
The same disclaimers apply: DnD homebrew is a whole creative universe to which I don’t hold even the tiniest candle. Merely scratch the surface on sites like DriveThruRPG and you’ll find fully loaded, unofficial DnD books that totally transform the game into pretty much anything you want, re-jigging and adding to the core DnD classes, inventing customized, playable DnD races for every fantastical person your heart desires, and so on.
These little creations are not that. They won’t make your characters stronger, help you slay the Big Bad Evil Guy, survive the Swamp of Unutterable Ecstasy, or fill any functionality gaps in your prize DnD builds. The criteria here are: items that seem magical, and have some kind of magical property – but are either entirely mechanically useless, or have such ultra specific, situational uses that they’re far more helpful as a joke than as an in-game tool.
The intended Dungeon Master behavior with these is to introduce them to players as magical items, but with no further information – so they have to puzzle out what the thing actually does. Ideally, this’ll become a bit of a side quest – and give the whole table a big laugh when the bearer finally discovers their mighty relic’s true value.
Jerraboam’s Curious Orb
A blue glass sphere a little smaller than a soccer ball, slightly warm to the touch, containing liquid and swirling particles you can see when you look closely. When shaken, the particles in the orb coalesce into a brighter, visible image.
The image will always be a visual representation of a recent daydream or desire experienced by one randomly character within 10 feet of the orb – but only the character currently shaking and looking at the orb can see it.
If you’d like, as DM, you can surreptitiously gather information on what characters have recently desired or had daydreams about, and insert those into the orb’s images, inviting players to work out what it does, and generate socially awkward moments from outing their naughty secrets. Or you can just leave them to wonder if the images are cryptic quest clues.
Players who attempt to research this item’s origins can, with some effort, find the diary of its creator – a DnD Halfling named Eglan Jerraboam, who was an incredibly talented Artificer, but had no luck in love. Jerraboam created the orb to find out what potential partners really wanted, but it was stolen by the local thieves’ guild before he could perfect the targeting enchantment and he never saw it again.
The diary relates that, while drowning his sorrows over the lost orb, he got talking to the human barkeeper, they fell in love, were married within the week, and lived happily together for the next forty years.
The Mostly Immovable Rod
A flat iron rod with a button at one end, entirely identical to the famous Immovable Rod in both form and function. It, too, becomes magically fixed in place when you press the button, can hold up to 8,000 pounds in weight, and requires a DC30 Strength check to move.
However, for every minute it remains activated, the DM rolls a D8. On a 1-5, it remains in place. On a 6-7, it immediately moves three feet in a random direction. On an 8, it phases into another plane of existence for one second, before returning exactly where it was.
Designed to remind your players that the only constant in this life is change, and even the firmest of foundations will, on occasion, suddenly jump three feet to the left and really mess up your day (especially if you’re abseiling from the Rod at the time).
The Private Health Potion
A handsome glass flask, filled with lustrous silver potion and sealed with a mechanical, gold cap that cannot be opened. Players who try to force it open will succeed on a DC30 Strength check, but as soon as the seal is broken, the glass shatters and deals them D6 piercing damage, with the contents spilled and instantly destroyed.
If players look closely at the golden seal, there’s an inscription in the Dwarvish Dethek alphabet (read our guide to DnD languages for more info there). It reads “Uncork a better, healthier you”, followed by a street address in a large city of the DM’s choosing in your game’s DnD setting.
If the party visits that address, they find a large, three storey building with a luxurious carved stone frontage and exotic plants, which appears significantly better appointed than all buildings around it. Upon entering, they are greeted by a well groomed Dwarf named Demesh in immaculate, expensive white garb.
When presented with the potion flask, Demesh will gladly and politely explain: “Why yes, this is one of our promotional Premium Vitalizing Enhancement Draughts (PVEDs) – the last word in personal vitality management. For a mere 500 gold pieces, I can unseal it for you, and you will be the proud owner of the most effective treatment for any and all ailments, injuries, and maladies”, and goes on to read a long list of side effects from a clipboard until the characters interrupt him.
If the characters pay to unseal the cap, they gain one Premium Vitalizing Enhancement Draught. When drunk, the drinker regains 2D4+3 hit points (one more than a regular Potion of Healing). If they don’t pay, Demesh immediately requests the potion back as it is his company’s property. If you don’t return it, two armed Dwarf guards attack, while Demesh reads a passage from his clipboard in a bored voice, explaining the company policy on stolen goods.
That’s it for another round of my stupid DnD magic items, though I can feel more of them coming on already. In the meantime, you can check out what’s coming up for the game in our DnD release schedule guide – and bookmark our DnD news page for daily dungeoneering updates.
Source: Wargamer
