Sometimes in Dungeons and Dragons, the fundamental gaminess of it all – stats, mechanics, and objectives – blind us to fantasy’s in-built capacity for entertaining nonsense. Sure, having a plus one version of your weapon, or an amulet that grants crucial damage resistances, could be essential to surviving a perilous quest – but will it make you smile? Will it, even for a moment, lighten the crushing weight of our existence on this pale blue dot? Maybe – I’m not the boss of you – but I hope these stupid joke items have a better chance of raising chuckles around your table.
Some disclaimers, before I begin. DnD homebrew is a bewilderingly diverse world full of talented creators (infinitely more experienced in game design than I am) who produce original game materials for all sorts of different reasons. Some ‘brews modify the vanilla DnD classes to support new playstyles; some fix or tweak underperforming DnD races; some even overhaul the better part of entire official DnD books to the creator’s express requirements.
With that in mind, then: the following items will do absolutely nothing to improve the game’s rules or mechanics, have no game design know-how built in, will make precisely zero impact on any perceived weaknesses in any subclasses or builds, and introduce no new settings or locations whatsoever.
They’re just stupid, useless doodads which – if they fit into your game and the tastes of your table – could create a single funny moment which, despite having no impact on the greater quest, might make some memories for your group. It might even encourage folks to take things a little less seriously, if that’s needed – something I find essential to the best tabletop RPG sessions.
They’re all items that seem magical, and have some kind of magical property, but are of no real mechanical use – or at least their uses would be so obscure or unreliable as to render them highly situational. Players should be given enough information to know they are magical, and do have an effect, but no more than that – this way it’s much funnier when they discover the items’ true, er, significance.
Belt of pecuniary prudence
An ordinary, if well made, brown leather belt, decorated with stitched images of gold and jewels, and fastened with a shiny gold buckle.
Tightens to the point of mild discomfort when you’re running out of gold, but expands as you get richer – really only useful when you’ve got just the right amount of cash to be going on with, otherwise you’ve either got a pain around the tummy, or your underwear is on show. Good for keeping your more capitalistic characters humble.
The Horn
A patterned, gold trimmed hunting horn which, when blown, makes one random character within 300 feet mildly sexually aroused for 10 minutes.
There’s no guarantee your target will be someone that’s actually near you, and even if they are you’ll still need a good Insight check to detect the signs you’ve given them a vibe. Not usable by Bard 5e characters; they don’t need any help.
Ring of Inestimable Quality
This patterned, heavy gold ring looks pretty valuable – and is inscribed along the inside edge with the phrase “my value is beyond counting” in three different DnD languages (Elven, Dwarfish, and Common).
Nobody anywhere in the universe, on any of the planes of existence or beyond, can figure out what it’s worth. Whenever a player tries to sell it, the prospective buyer will become increasingly confused and frustrated trying to work out a price they’ll accept, until eventually either the players give up or the buyer gets too freaked out and runs away.
Bennibarene’s Quill of Quintessence
A slightly ostentatious and vulgar decorative quill made from a huge white ostrich feather, with a handle of gold-trimmed ash.
Whenever a player attempts to write with this quill, it will automatically edit their words as they write, forming a text that has the same basic meaning they intended, but in an extremely blunt, often rude style, with half as many words and some very passive aggressive punctuation.
Surprisingly useful for senior managers of businesses. Players who attempt to research this item’s origins can, with some effort, find that it once belonged to an elven shipping baron named Exanimus Bennibarene. They were, at one time the richest lord in Waterdeep, until they were brutally murdered by their personal assistant (using the quill).
The Skeptic’s Spyglass
An intricate, handheld, telescopic spyglass of brass, with a hard, black leather outer layer, inlaid with a single, shining gold icon of a narrowed eye. Etched in the metal around the lens is the phrase “They cannot hide the truth” in Common, in block capitals.
Players who look through the glass see exactly what’s on the other side, with no magnification – except that they immediately become suspicious that it isn’t real, or is in some way tricking them (whether it really is or not). No saves are possible against this effect, and the player should have the impression that the spyglass has genuinely revealed to them some hidden truth about the object, creature, or person they looked at.
Prolonged use may cause unacceptable levels of tedious cynicism about people and the world, leading to complete paranoia, delusion, and an uncontrollable desire to vote for populist political candidates.
That’s all my useless DnD magic items for now – I hope one or two of them made you at least crack a smile, and with a bit of luck they might raise a laugh at your table. If you’re after some more comedy-adjacent TTRPG action, you absolutely need to check out our coverage of the incoming Terry Pratchett’s Discworld RPG, Adventures in Ankh-Morpork. You may also enjoy Mollie Russell’s recent roundup of TTRPGs that let you punch Nazis.
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Source: Wargamer
